Barbara Cartland

Was on T.V. last night.

She looks like her head has been sawed in half and stitched back together the wrong way round.

Closer? No thank you!

Note to Mike Nichols:

Next time you have a wank, please don't feel you have to make a film out of it.

That's 2 hours of my life i'll never get back.

I love you???

Asshole!

Email to Vogue

Dear Alexandra,

Listen, I know I told you that I didn't feel ready to do the shoot this month, but that was before fat buggery bollocks decided to slap me round the head in front of eveyone.

Just because I didn't want to spend the night gazing at his ugly granny shagging puss, I get twatted and covered in red bull. Charming. . . Two words 'Aul Slapper'.

It's cool though, I turned round and says to him "I'm too good for Roo", HA HA HA. Everyone pissed themselves, even Rio.

So, Cyprus? We're on big style. I'm getting St Tropezed on my way to the airport.

See you soon.

C x

P.S. See if you can get me some swimwear. That'll get right up his snout ;)

Just Cruz'in

So, the world has been blessed with another Davictoria cross. . .

And the name for the little fella? CRUZ which means CROSS.

He will be.